As always, your security and happiness is of utmost importance to us so we have recently installed a new highly technical and intuitive security system for your wellbeing and protection. Get a load of this. . .

Most of you have never met head of security at TSH, but this is Jemima Pearl, nearly 17 years old, and still on duty and at the ready – as her guard responsibilities are all-consuming. But who could be more fortunate than us to benefit from her vigilance?